Pens

If it wasn't for the Philadelphia Flyers, I would currently be going nuts waiting for baseball season. The Eagles are awful and the Sixers in no way interest me. The Flyers, however, are currently in a clusterf- errrrr, logjam for the lead in the Atlantic division. MY favorite part is that they're enemies with most of the NHL. Usually it's just the New York Rangers and New Jersey Devils, but the Pittsburgh Penguins have also long been a yellow and black pain in our asses, just not to that degree. No longer! Yay for rivalries! Last year the Penguins messed us up and beat us in all 8 meetings. The tables are turned this year and they don't like it. The Pens were whining that the Flyers kept playing through the whole game, scoring two more goals despite being up 6-2. I love this quote from Right Winger Mike Knuble:

"This is the NHL, you don't have to have mercy on teams, and they don't have to have mercy on you. . . . I don't know if it's payback, but any doubt you can get in a team's mind about their ability to win games against you and showing other teams that when you put the hammer down it's going to stay down."

I love rivalries. The best part is that it puts us Flyers fans in the position of hating the NHL's golden boy Sidney Crosby. What else could a Philly fan want?

TG for TO

Ah Terrell Owens, how I've missed the true you this season. I have no love for Keyshawn Johnson, but it seems that he was simply saying that Bill Parcells is at least somewhat responsible for the success the Cowboys are having this year, which is true. The team is basically the same one that he made, so yeah, I'd say he has some credit due. Nothing wrong with that.

Terrell Owens of course takes this as an opportunity to unnecessarily attack Keyshawn Johnson and his NFL career. Classic TO, taking a non-issue and turning it into one. One could even say that is Senor Owens' specialty! Horray for windbag!

Now hopefully the Eagles can hold him to no TDs on Sunday...

Ray Ass

A disappointing season (with the exception of bases stolen) and a legendary team collapse apparently does pay off! Well, I suppose Jimmy Rollins will just have to settle for his MVP award, his golden glove, his silver slugger...

RUN SOUTH, IT'S SNOW DAMMIT, SNNNNNNNNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWW!!!!!!!!

Why is it that whenever it snows in this region the local media treats it like it's World War III? Region survives first snow? Were we just bombed? Was it ever in doubt that we would survive? It's only a matter of time before the articles start to read like this:

Region Barely Survives First Snow

It was a close call, but the Delaware Valley barely survived the first snow bombing of this dangerous winter season.

The precipitation fought fiercely but only inflicted minor damage in a one inch assault upon our sidewalks and senses.

The barrage fell throughout the day, destroying streets and making living conditions unbearable.

"Why does it do this? Why all this senseless precipitation? Can't it just leave us alone already? I have children!" screamed Center City resident Linda Mackers.

"Man, I walk my dog around here, what if he gets wet and cold? It could happen! Man, he would even slip out there! What is wrong with the weather? I don't know if I can take it anymore," said West Philadelphia resident Hakeem Brown.

There is no word on if this senseless attack from the weather will continue tomorrow, but god willing, it won't.


Ugh, why does slightly inclement weather freak out local news so much?

Mmm Pork Chops

Apparently the name "Pork Chop" is offensive to Latinos! Seriously? Wow. I'm glad that absurdity has reached new heights. I have never heard a Latino called "pork chop", so I had no idea that it was offensive. I don't know why someone would call a Latino pork chop to be offensive though. There's so many other names already, do we really need food products? This is so stupid that my brain can't take it. God!

Christmas At The Speed of Sound

http://news.yahoo.com/s/afp/20071203/od_afp/swedenchristmaskyrgyzstansantaoffbeat_071203163428

My favorite part is the last paragraph. A fiery and charred Christmas to all!

One More Crappy Storyline

I am a sucker for big comic book events. This is one of the undeniable facts of my life. I very much enjoy them (although usually it's more for the buildup than the execution). However, I have always found the quieter/funny moments in Peter Parker/Spider-Man's life to be better than much of the action. Ultimate Spider-Man does this incredibly well, perhaps that's why it's one of my top titles every month.

Occasionally J. Michael Straczynski has written an excellent Peter Parker and supporting cast in his long run on Amazing Spider-Man. Sure there have been some been some bumps in the road (see the atrocity that is Sins Past as well as the mediocre at best The Other), but otherwise he has had a successful, albeit very strange run on the book.

Why the hell is he ending it like this then?

Until now, I was one of the few fans who had no problem with Marvel editor-in-chief Joe Quesada. The company's been very successful under him and many good titles have come out as well as many classic titles improved during his tenure. He has always been adamant about having an unmarried Peter Parker. He felt it aged the character too much. Old man Parker.

I myself thought a married Peter was fine. The character is allowed to evolve, and most of the best things in Straczynski's run have revolved around their relationship and why it works. JMS actually made me really like the marriage.

So One More Day is the current storyline and it promises to shake up Peter Parker's world. Fair enough. At the end of the Civil War storyline, a sniper tried to shoot Peter and accidentally hit his dear old Aunt May in the abdomen, putting her in a coma and Peter into a murderous rage. Pete confronted the Kingpin blahblahblah Back in Black and whatnot, whatnot, whatnot. In One More Day thus far, Pete has tried to get help from Iron Man by yelling at him and punching him while Iron Man equally overreacted by just yelling "Turn yourself in Peter!" over and over. Right-o. Next up Peter visited Dr. Strange, who told Senor Spidey that Aunt May was DOOMED! Apparently even the gold kid from the New X-Men who can heal almost anything (including a giant spike impaled through Kitty Pryde and Colossus) cannot heal an old woman in a coma from a bullet wound. So what the hell is the twist? We're halfway through the storyline and have no clue what it's title means.

This is where part 3 kicks in kiddies!

Part 3 starts with a little girl coming to Peter and showing him two alternate versions of himself, one a lonely and overweight video game designer, the other a successful prick inventor. Okay. Both lament never having a woman to spend their life with, which you think would give Mista Parker a clue as to cherishing his wife, but this will be brought up again very soon. So what's with this little redhead girl? Is it the mysterious Parker baby from the clone saga that packed it's bags and was never heard from again? Maybe Norman Osborn didn't eat it for breakfast after all!

Nah bitches, it's just Mephisto!

...what?

Yup, the fucking devil wants to make a deal with the Sensational, Spectacular, sometimes even Amazing Spider-Man! COME ON! SERIOUSLY? THE DEVIL?

But wait, he can save Aunt May! Ooooooooo! Surely this isn't a trick!

OH yeah, he only wants Peter and Mary Jane's love for each other. That's all. And Peter considers it. Yup. That's just what Aunt May wants, Peter to make a deal with the devil so that she can live. The best part about it is that Mephisto will even put Peter and MJ through the Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind treatment. For no extra cost! What a nice guy!

Hey man, they got 24 hours to decide too, awesome!

This is awful stuff folks. Are you telling me that Pete is even going to consider making a deal with the devil, even for a minute? I know he loves his Aunt, and he had to see Aunt May die once before (beautifully written in Amazing Spider-Man # 400, when it should have been PERMANENT), but he didn't whine and bitch like this then. Great power and great responsibility? Not to be found here.

But Steve, maybe they won't do it, maybe they'll let Aunt May pass on and continue on with their young lives!

Nope, Marvel hates the marriage, they want Pete to be a swinging bachelor. Swing pun only slightly intended.

Honestly Marvel, do you NOT want me to buy thrice monthly Amazing? It seems that way. OY!

Worst Named Outfield

Congratulations to the Washington Nationals, who now have two of the worst named players in all of sports playing in their outfield. The Nationals traded for Mets outfielder Lastings Milledge, who will join the immortal Nook Logan. So basically I have to hear these two names repeatedly when the Phils play the Nats. Beautiful...

Bein’ A Thug on the El

Guess who’s the best and brightest in today’s society? Thugs who ride the El. For two bucks you can be a king of the train. There’s really only one step:

DON’T GIVE A SHIT

Don’t give a shit about appearance, actions, or words. Gangstas dress how they want to son! Be it hoodies and sweats or fur and fleece, thugs keep it real!

Sit on the outer of two seats and don’t let anyone sit on the inner, no matter how old or crippled they are. Drink heavily. Brown paper bags are optional at this point. Smoke too. Sure, that sign says don’t, but you a thug! Ain’t none of your concern. Roll a blunt and leave the tobacco in the back corner.

Wear big headphones (not on your ears, around your neck) and blast rap music. Sweet, you are well on your way to being da man (not The Man though, that’s who you’re rebelling against)! Grab your balls now and tell yourself “Good job.”

Curse. A lot. Make sure that children and/or the elderly hear it. Make sure that when the elderly and/or parents of the children give you dirty looks, you glare at them, stick out your arms and say, “What you lookin’ at?” When they turn around disgusted, laugh and say, “Yeah, that’s what I thought!” Curse even louder and call your friends that N-Word. Good work dawg.

That’s it! You’re on your way to becoming quite possibly the greatest asset society has, a thug on the El! You go keep those middle to upper class people scared of public transportation!

Good Wholesome Fascist Fun

One of the my favorite topics has always been dictators and madmen. This is perhaps the one commodity that my generation and the so-called "greatest generation" have in common, an abundance of these kooks. WWII had Hitler and his little brother Mussolini. Today we still have a hall of crazy famer in Fidel Castro, who just keeps hanging in there, despite being physically unable to live. We had a bit of a scare last year, but luckily they pumped him so full of life that the fucker may live on well after I die.

A true hall of famer was indeed lost to us in the form of Saddam Hussein. We'll never forget his spirit as he defied his captors in what can only be described as the trial of the century. The man simply defined making a mockery of the courthouse. He was the spirit of being held in contempt of court. He was the goddamned Hussein. Now he's back with his boys, in crazy hell.

We also had a promising young man in Kim Jong Il, whose legendary "Hey, look at me! I'm dangerous dammit!" nuclear showoff tactics got the attention of everyone a couple of years back. But in the world of dangerous international sovereign nation leader lunatics, it's not "what did you do to me?" but rather "what have you done to me lately?"

Luckily, Iran has stepped up to the plate, and it doesn't seem to care to wear a tie. Mahmoud Ahmadinejad is the newest lunatic on the block, and man is he ever good at it.

A few weeks ago Ahmadinejad visited Columbia University to speak to a "receptive" crowd about his lunacy. This is a man who has gone on record as questioning the Holocaust, going as far as calling it a myth! He openly wants to have nuclear weapons! This man is insane!

Good times.

But he also got his ass handed to him, first in his introduction, and then by questioning from the students.

He claimed there were no homosexuals in Iran! Ha! Okay! Is this the case in Texas too?

This guy is crrrrrrrrrraaaaazzzzzzy!!!! Right? Nuts? Legit right?

Ehhhhhh, I'm not so sure.

Seriously, look at this guy, is this not the most business casual dictator in history?

Well, at least he's got a distinctive style. Dictators are usually very formal. Sometimes absurdly so. Does his business casual look make him more of a working class dictator? I'm not sure. When I think working class dictator, Castro comes to mind, cause he looked the closest to that status in life. Stalin also comes to mind, but only because the working class is mainly who he killed.

While Ahmadinejad has certainly stepped up to the crazy statements plate, he just seems a bit watered down from previous dictators. A catchier name may help in the future. Maybe not getting his ass handed to him by a bunch of undergrads at Columbia would help too. It feels like he's trying too hard to be a crazy dictator, and that's never good. He needs to let it flow a little more easily. Forced craziness never works, just look at R. P. McMurphy! So get like your clothing style and chill Mr. Ahmadinejad, we believe you're stupid and crazy, but it seems a little forced.

And please, please, please, get a damn nickname. Ahmadinejad is as far from catchy as there is.

Rocky IV Curse

Having not won a major sports championship since 1983, many Philadelphians wonder if perhaps we are cursed. Many believe that when we built a building taller than the William Penn statue on City Hall, we were forever destined to be losers. Many of my generation, those being born in 1984 or around then, wonder if perhaps we are cursed.

I think Rocky IV is the curse.

Sure, Rocky avenges his friend's death AND ends the Cold War, but at what cost? Rocky's at his most articulate, and also at his most ridiculous, beating a gigantic Russian that could have possibly swallowed him whole if he so chose. Has Rocky's final true victory in the ring cursed the four major teams?

The only way to know for sure is to make a true sequel to Rocky IV. Rocky V is garbage, and Rocky Balboa actually is pretty good. Rocky IV was over the top and had that stupid inexplicable robot. We need to jump the Rocky shark one last time. Only this time Rocky doesn't end the Cold War, but rather the War on Terror.

That's right, Rocky Vs. Osama bin Laden.

We pull out all the stops. Absurd training sequence in the mountains of Afghanistan. Paulie tumbling over while complaining. That damn robot! Cheesy 80s soundtrack and gay montage of Rocky and Apollo training on the beach!

Dammit, I just want one of the 4 major teams to win a championship!

It's up to you Rock, it's as that awful song from Rocky IV's driving montage says, "There's no easy way out!"

Introductionary Comentation

Hey there and welcome to Robin Williams' Beard, a blog that has nothing to do with the look of the once popular comedian when he's depressed and/or in a serious film. It also happens to be my expression for someone being depressed.

Which brings me to what this blog is about. I'm from Philadelphia, and am a lifelong sports fan. So I'm depressed because we lose or come up just short. A lot. Getting used to disappointment is like drinking when your a Philly sports fan, the more it happens, the more you get used to it. Thusly, we expect and have a great tolerance for disappointment. So you'll be reading lots of rants. I mean, I just saw the Eagles lose to the freakin Redskins and the Phillies nearly blow an 11 run lead!!! What the hell man, what the hell!?!?!?!? ARGH!!!!

Um, yeah, I also read comic books, watch a good amount of tv and movies, and pay attention to the world at large. So I really don't know what to expect here. I guess pot luck would have been a better title.