Rudy Guliani: Victorious!

Somehow, someway, I have been leaked Rudy Guliani's victory speech that he has prepared for his "inevitable" primary victory in Florida, where he has almost exclusively campaigned to this point! Let's see what America's Mayor has to say:

You know, my favorite Beatles song was always "Happiness Is A Warm Gun". I think that song best describes how I'm feeling today, as Florida is quite warm and shaped like a gun.

I have a great deal of warm lead in my chest right now from the people of Florida. We won this primary through good old fashioned moxsy and gumption! Through sheer force of will I have taken Florida and soon I will take the world!

So to Mitt Romney, up yours! To John McCain, screw you! To Mike Huckabee, eff off! And Fred Thompson can just go die! I win! Just like in Highlander, there can be only one, and it will be Guliani!

::Then it says that Guliani is to stick his arms in the air, kinda like Nixon, and be carried off by the crowd chanting "Rude-ee, Rude-ee, Rude-ee!" like in his favorite movie::

State O Tha Union

Here we are, the last of George W. Bush's State of the Union addresses. Has it already been eight years? Man, does the time fly when things are shitty!

I'm watching the address as I write this and I think I'm seeing how truly silly this speech has become. Well, not so much the speech, but the television coverage of the speech. I really should have prepared a drinking game for this.

For instance, I could drink every time that the Republicans rise to clap and cheer and the Democrats just sit there. I could take a drink every time the camera switches to a prominent Democrat like Hilary Clinton and Barack Obama and find them scowling and/or bored (especially in the case of Senator Clinton.

I could take a drink every time I see Dick Cheney smirk and Nancy Pelosi grimace (how often these two thing s happen together is fairly amazing). Seeing these two sit next to each other in back of President Bush is hilarious in and of itself.

Observations:

- Seeing Ted Kennedy and Barack Obama sit next to each other is also pretty funny. Who wants to see these two crazy kids get together and be running mates? I sure do! I can think of only a few more awkward pairings than that (Ron Paul and Dick Cheney come to mind).

- Hilary Clinton looks like she wants to kill herself sitting there.

- Did Bush really bring up Colombia? Has someone been watching Clear And Present Danger?

- Dubya really should have shown up in a cowboy hat. Or maybe a spacesuit. It's his last SOTU, he might as well.

- Dick Cheney's making a face akin to a common gorilla.

- It feels like Bush is the principal of a high school scolding his students for doing lousy work and not doing what he tells them to.

- How does somebody get one of those great seats way up high in back of the President? That has to be the best seat in the house. You can take a nap there and still say you attended. I bet someone up there has a Nintendo DS.

Finally, does Congress really need to applaud after every bullet point the President makes? Jesus Christ this is boring, I could be watching Arrested Development instead. Let the great experiment begin!